How to FAIL in a Few Easy Steps

I’ve been off having a life (shocking, I know!), and so there are bloviations – some large, some small – that I’m going to get around to talking about.

This one that I’m going to hammer upon is one that isn’t really all that important to me in the great scheme of life. In the end, it’s just someone wanting to make themselves feel good about something they’ve done. I get that. It’s cool.

But since this person seems to always harp on how everyone is LYING about him, well, I guess I gotta speak truth to power about how HE lies.


So yeah. It’s HERE. Mostly, my main reaction to this is simply *YAWN*. Frankly, I could give a rat’s ass over how many medals someone says they earned/deserved/stole. Whatever. But to some people, it’s very important. So, to honor them and those who really have done their all for us, I’m gonna give this one a shot.

First things first. And this is going to essentially destroy anything Bill has to say on the subject.


It’s kind of an iron-clad rule in the armed services. The DD214 is what you live and die on after you are separated. One fuck-up on that DD214, and you can be denied lots and lots of things that you earned by virtue of your service in our Armed Forces. That’s why if there is an error, and you know about it, you get it corrected. ASAP.

So the sailor in question here can spout off on how he did the time to earn it, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t appear on his DD214. Ergo, to the government of the United States of America, HE DIDN’T GET IT. Somebody then saying that Bill is claiming things he has not been granted is then telling the truth. It’s not a lie.

Tough cookie.

Now, if in the 30-some-odd years since this DD214 was issued Bill hasn’t bothered to get it corrected, he likely no longer has the paperwork to be able to do so. And if there is no paperwork supporting it, an awarding authority would likely not go back and correct the DD214. And then there is the problem that there are actually TWO DD214s that are incorrect. Because the first DD214 that was used to create the second DD214 obviously left off things that Bill says he earned.

Gosh. This gets really complicated really fast, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately Bill does the only thing he knows how to do when he is caught in a trap of his own making – he doubles down.


Dude. In 1985 there was a little folder. He has to remember it. It was the brown one he carried with him from ship to ship and duty station to duty station. Called his “Enlisted Service Record.” Surely he remembers that one.

That little record would have been the one the Personnelman opened up and looked in two different spots for proof of your various awards that someone has received. One spot would be the left hand side of the folder under NAVPERS 1070/617 “Career Performance Data” which is where copies of citations and certificates would go. The second spot would be the right side of the folder typed on a NAVPERS 1070/604 in block 11. “Awards” which states the award name, date of award, and award authority. If they weren’t in those spots the personnelman would simply ask the person if they had copies of the award documents (citation, certificate, orders, etc.) on hand and if they did they would be entered on the spot.

See there was this little thing the Personnelman had sitting on his desk. It was called a typewriter. And it was no big thing to swoosh your DD214 back in that typewriter and type in things that were listed in your file. Right then and there. I’ve seen it done before, actually.

Fail. Big, big fail.

And of course, since he is failing so hard (much like he did back then) Bill has to ramp it up to eleventy against PK who Bill has, once again, come around to deciding is Patrick Grady – this after claiming HE was PK as well as harassing some other lady saying that SHE was PK. I know, I know. I couldn’t make this up if I tried, people.


Here’s a hint for Bill Schmalfeldt. When your very public DD214 neglects to mention on there that you earned awards that you wear, it is, by definition, not per se defamation to say that you DID NOT EARN THEM nor to give you the “stolen valor” appellation. Because United States Government Document. Truth is an absolute defense.

Now, if Bill wants to go and sue the gubmint for not putting all his awards on paper? Well, this is April Fools Day after all.


About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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36 Responses to How to FAIL in a Few Easy Steps

  1. one handle and stick to it says:

    Bill Schmalfeldt: never NOT blaming others for his own shitty diapers.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This Other Latin F*cker says:

    I’m just going to chime in and say that Bill is full of shit. He’s posted several times the requirements for the awards that he CLAIMS he is entitled to, but he official service record shows otherwise. So even if he was too much of a lazy DUMBFUCK to open a folder while in the ETS process, he still doesn’t meet the standards in place at the time to wear the ribbons he claims. DUMBFUCK gotta lie. It’s his default position when he gets caught. Who you going to believe Bill or your lyin eyes?

    Liked by 5 people

  3. So Bill is going to sue someone over this. Then they will have his DD214 read into the official court record. The OFFICIAL government form says he did NOT earn that medal and it will now clearly state in a legal document that he did not earn the medal.

    I see he must be following the same legal strategy Brett used when people called him a pedophile. Brett sued them and the court found for them, apparently now making Brett officially an “adjudicated pedophile”.

    Liked by 7 people

  4. Dr. Dan says:

    I’m reminded of an old Hollywood adage – The only thing worse than being talked about, is NOT being talked about…

    In my not so humble opinion, BS and BK both are bigger attention whores than I am – and that is setting the bar really damn high.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Mr Minority says:

    Actually, I may side with Billy on this one. And the reason I say that is:
    1) in his picture he is wearing his Dress Whites with those medals on it. You only wear medals on Dress Whites or Dress Blues
    2) The medals don’t look photoshopped in, thus they appear to real.
    3) the Navy would have had his ass if he wore medals he did not earn.

    I read his posting and from what I read it makes sense.

    Billy may be a lot of thing that are dark and evil, but I give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

    Please don’t flame me for this opinion.


    • crawford421 says:

      1) His DD-214 doesn’t say he earned the medals. It’s the official statement of what awards he earned. It was his responsibility to make sure it was correct. He either failed — showing how little he cared — or he’s lying. Neither speaks well of him.

      2) His story about why his record omits them has changed multiple times.

      3) We know that #2 is part of his tell when he’s lying. For example, his changing stories about what he was doing as his wife lay dying. Or about the identity of Krendler. Or his work history. Or…

      Liked by 4 people

    • Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion around here – contrary to what others believe. We have had some very, um, spirited disagreements when we have disagreed with each other.

      Rest assured that we will not hang, draw and quarter you for the “crime” of disagreeing. Like I said, I could care less about this particular issue, but do know people who do care.

      I would ask you to consider that there have been more than a handful of people who were active duty, wearing their dress uniforms, and wearing medals to which they were not entitled. Some have been caught. A few have been prosecuted I think. Others were just publicly shamed (this is what I think should happen personally). It does happen, so that puts this into the realm of possibility for me.

      In the end, what it really boils down to, is that this is not something Bill Schmalfeldt can expect to win upon in a court of law. They say you can’t fight city hall. In this case he would be fighting the United States government.

      Liked by 4 people

      • Mr Minority says:

        Oh, I am not disagreeing with you that in a court of law he would not win a defamation suit because as you have pointed out his DD214 does not show that those medals were awarded and that is the only real proof that we have seen.

        And please don’t think that I am defending Billy, I have been following the episodes of the PedoBomber and Billy since the beginning, I have seen the hateful and despicable lies they have written and the way the treated good people just because they wrote about the PedoBomber. I have no sympathy for them at all and whatever pain comes their way, they deserve and more.

        I have just lately felt like adding my written 2 cents worth.

        Liked by 5 people

        • theman9876 says:

          Keep coming back Mr Minority, you’ll be welcomed here.

          Liked by 3 people

          • Dr_Mike says:

            I remember back in the day when I felt compelled to give Bill the benefit of the doubt. I am now beyond doubt. Bill is vile and evil, and beyond defending.

            But that’s my opinion, I am confident you’ll get there eventually.

            I got there the day his wife died, when he was challenging people to send him an email, and he said he would reply with a photo of her corpse. No, nobody was requesting that photo, but they were mockingly expressing doubt of the death until he posted the death certificate, which IIRC is the same level of “proof” Bill was demanding of the Stranahans over the death of their stillborn child. Apparently Bill feels the long-expected death of an elderly spouse is somehow more shocking as the unextpected death of a newborn, because he has brushed aside all comparisons with his behavior with the Stranahans when used to compare his behavior in the two instances.

            For the record, this is the limit to which I will still defend Bill Schmalfeldt: I do not believe even Bill took such a photo, or he would have sent it ’round the net by now in an attempt to frame HOOOOOOGE!!!!!!!! or others among his many enemies, but he was certainly putting the offer out there, hoping someone would be stupid enough to email him a valid address he could use to dox them. Even the day she died, his grief could not stop him from trying to lay a “cunning” trap to use her death as a weapon against his enemies, enemies being anyone who expresses any dislike at his disgusting behavior.

            I apparently made the list for his first cut at LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler because when he “unleashed the fury” of her family on this site, I referred them to a page or two back, where he was freely offering a photo of his late wife’s still warm corpse to anyone who emailled him. Butthurt, apparently, is defamation pro se.

            Yeah, Bill, feel free to use this in LOLsuit VII, Degenerations.

            Liked by 2 people

          • Grace says:

            “For the record, this is the limit to which I will still defend Bill Schmalfeldt: I do not believe even Bill took such a photo… ”

            I do.

            Liked by 2 people

          • Dr_Mike says:

            Grace –

            Bill would have been stupid enough to have sent it to a few people “and their local law enforcement” and therefore _proved_ (for a given value of proof, about 80 for JWR) that the people he said he sent it to released it unto the wilds of the internet.

            My assuming Bill never took that photo is not based on any assumption of morality on Bill’s part, but simply on the fact that he hasn’t “cleverly” sent the picture to anyone yet in an attempt to frame them while he plasters it across the internet.

            Like when he sent a photo of her in the hospital to Hoge +7 local LEOs, saying in effect “I’m sending this to you, if it gets out Hoge dunnit” then 20 minutes later sent it to AD’s wife’s shared work account, and mistakenly thought he also sent it to their local LEOs. Then a day or so later blasted Hoge’s local LEOs basically saying “arrest this man, he passed on this image I sent him without request, without preconditions, and against his “no contact” request.”

            If Bill were evil enough to take that picture, he would have been stupid enough to use it by now.

            But thank you for helping to truly identify the rock bottom of stupid and evil, which is the sole spot I am still willing to defend the alleged morals of William Schmalfeldt. He cannot be evil enough to have done X, or he would have been stupid enough to do Y.

            Stick around, Mr. Minority, you’ll get to this level of understanding eventually. Just watch Bill closely, and try to hit the garbage can when you vomit.

            Liked by 2 people

      • Gus Bailey says:

        You may be flogged with nine strands of over-cooked linguine; but that’s His Majesty’s Navy. The grog ain’t bad.


    • Minemyown says:

      I have not seen any pictures of Bill wearing “medals” on ribbons, I will say that in 6 years in the Navy with 3 years and 9 months sea duty–in which my ship when deployed or at sea was the Flagship–I do not recall ever having to wear full medals and ribbons.

      This is re requirement for the Sea Service, was assigned to the ship for a year and a half before ever qualifying for it.

      The Sea Service Deployment Ribbon is granted to any member of the U.S. Navy or U.S. Marine Corps assigned to a deployable unit (e.g., a ship (including submarines), aircraft squadron, air wing or air group, detachment, battalion, Marine Expeditionary Unit, Marine Air Ground Task Force, or other unit type that operates away from its assigned homeport) and is forward-deployed for a period of either 90 consecutive days or two periods of at least 80 days each within a given 12-month period; or 6 months stationed overseas in a forward deployed location.

      Bill says:
      One must not be on a ship at sea for a set number of days to qualify for the Sea Service Award. I was on “sea duty” from Feb. 1975 to May 1977.
      Which is Wrong.
      more here
      Believe me when the 90 days is met the ship’s personal office updates everyones service record.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Mr M, you might be very surprised to learn that some service members have in fact got away with wearing unearned decorations. As he says, those weren’t awards for personal valor, so it’s unlikely he was ever challenged to produce documentation. He might even have been technically eligible to receive them, despite being a gold-bricking constantly-injured borderline chapter case…but he didn’t. Nobody thought enough of him to pull that trigger. That’s why he didn’t have the certificates or orders for them, and why they weren’t in his NAVPERS folder, and why they weren’t entered on his DD-214.

      Liked by 4 people

  6. Mr Minority says:

    I’m sorry I misspoke, I meant ribbon. I do know the difference between Medals and Ribbons (I actually have 1 and it is listed on my DD214 and I still have it in my collection box).

    Liked by 3 people

  7. He was once in a discussion on another web forum and felt he needed to bolster his military cred. He posted this:

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Notice “my time on the ground….”??? Anybody remember how much time that was? Weeks? Days? Hmmm? Bill has a really poor habit of misleading.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Per his response you linked above, part of one day, during which he had the harrowing experience of seeing a lady skin her knee. None of his own skin and blood were apparently left behind in the rubble of Beirut. That’s if you believe even that much. I don’t believe he went ashore at all, because the historical accounts indicate otherwise.

      Liked by 5 people

  9. Mr Minority says:

    I think Billy is missing the whole point, just because you spent time in the military does not make you a decent person. It is your actions and character that people use to judge you. And Billy’s action and words that he has displayed over the last decade says a lot about him.

    Liked by 4 people

    • He just uses his military service as another shield/weapon, the same way he did (heck, still does) use his late wife.

      Liked by 4 people

      • MJ says:

        And this is the reason he fights so hard on it. He needs this to throw in people’s faces to make himself feel morally superior. That’s all anything is – weapons to defend his ever fleeting honor. Well, if he has any left.

        Liked by 3 people

    • You have it here in a nutshell, Mr. Minority. Serving our country doesn’t automatically make you an awesome person. I grew up on the largest land-locked Navy base in the country. I worked on that base for a decade myself. I have been around the Navy for most of my life. And now I get to be around the Army for the forseeable future. I have the ultimate respect for those who volunteer to serve.

      But I will not slavishly bow down to someone who claims things that he does not deserve, nor to someone who has proven himself to be a despicable human being just because he happened to volunteer.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Mr Minority says:

        I can’t really understand the reasoning behind why a person would falsely wear ribbons (even gedunk ribbons like unit citations) they didn’t deserve. It’s just like I don’t understand the hate that drives Billy to do the despicable things that he does. The guy has to just live on bile and Johnny Walker.

        That is not life, life is enjoying what you have and those you love.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Gus Bailey says:

          Then, my friend; you are beginning to understand Bill. He doesn’t understand the significance of those decorations either. He just knows that more salad is better; so he wore as much as he could. He never gave a rat’s ass about his service record; hell he quite possibly did, technically, earn them but he didn’t care enough to make sure his DD214 was right. That shows how little he cared.


      • This Other Latin F*cker says:

        Not for nothin our most awesome hostess, but Army > Navy. 🙂 Welcome to the best branch of the military. We have cookies.


  10. This Other Latin F*cker says:

    I served in the Army. We had guys come in wearing medals they ‘earned’ at previous duty stations. We found a few guys wearing medals like Bill. Unearned. Trust me, no one usually checks the cabbage on your chest when you turn out for a Class A inspection unless you are sporting a pretty high ranking award like Purple Heart, Bronze Star, etc. The minor awards? No one looks twice. So Bill could have gotten away with it for years without anyone checking. The only way we found out was guys bragging on themselves telling hard to believe tales. Just like Bill.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr Minority says:

      As a sailor I have been known to tell Sea Story or two (you can always tell a Sea Story because it starts with “This ain’t no shit…”). But I would never lower myself to wear a ribbon/medal that I didn’t deserve. I pride myself in my real accomplishments without having to create false ones. It is sad that people have to resort to falsifying their lives with fake medals or embellishing their resumes just to prop up their egos.

      Liked by 2 people

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