Because This? Is Just Way Too LULZ-y Not To Post

Over on the lovely Artisinal Craft Blog, Dave had posted a portion of the filing that Bill Schmalfeldt has submitted to the court in the Hoge v. Kimberlin et al suit. While we were marveling over the utter incoherence of the portion posted, Library Gryphon remarked that she should attempt to diagram the sentence (well over 100 words long) to demonstrate the incoherence.

When I read that, I kinda geeked out a bit. As a child, I LOVED diagramming sentences. It was my ball of wax. There was no sentence I couldn’t diagram.

That is, until I met this sentence.

First, I attempted it on paper. Oh my God. No. Just no.

Then I switched to Word. Ummm…


Yeah. That’s as far as I got. Wow. Just wow. That was a nope. And I hadn’t even gotten to the really fun stuff.

So I turned to the Internet, and lo! I found a sentence diagram-er! Awesomesauce!

I started to plug the sentence into it and quickly found that it was just not going to be possible. The diagram-er only took so many characters. And when I typed until I could type no more, well, it told me that there was no real sentence there. Which I already knew, but still. Annoying.

I decided to break it down into smaller chunks. Still had issues because I had to modify Schmalfeld-ese into English sentences, but I managed to get just about everything in there. Almost.

Diagram 1

Ok. Not too bad for the first part of the sentence. Kind of straight forward. But what happens when we try to graph the next portion with the “tried and failed” stuff? It wouldn’t all fit in there, so it had to be broken down twice.

Diagram 2

A phrase turned into a semi-coherent sentence without mangling what he wrote too badly. And the next part?

Diagram 3

Oh lordy. Can you imagine this all being diagrammed as one? Uufdah!

Diagram 4

Diagram 5

Hold me!

Diagram 6

Please dear God in heaven, make it go away! This is supposed to be one sentence? OMFG.

Diagram 7

Heh. Seems like a fitting ending.

And I ain’t gonna try to put it all together in one big, ginormous diagram. I would need a drink. Or five.


About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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16 Responses to Because This? Is Just Way Too LULZ-y Not To Post

  1. He starts off well, and ends well. He just couldn’t resist packing the sentence with goofy stuff. They were not especially “on point.” He wants to have Hoge declared “vexatious” yet he gives examples which don’t fit. I don’t think attempting and failing to get Peace Orders against somebody really looks like vexatious activity. This is especially true when the harassment continues. And the forged letter? Weak tea.


    • I agree. The start was well formed. Subject, verb, object, a scattering of adjectives and a prepositional phrase. Seems legit.

      Attempting to get two peace orders that weren’t granted is nothing in the great scheme of “vexatiousness.” Especially when peace orders were granted previously – and extended – for similar behavior. The whole 367 thing is where it starts to go off the rails, because it wasn’t 367 times. It was BILL doing something 367 times resulting in 367 charges that were going to be lumped together into one action – to be taken by the DA, not John Hoge. 367 versus one. Hmmmm. Not so vexatious anymore. Unless you are talking about Bill Schmalfeldt’s behavior, that is.

      We won’t even get into the forged letter bit. He’s convinced himself so thoroughly that he didn’t send it that that is the truth in his mind now. But it’s kind of ludicrous that he thinks that it’s vexatious of John to bring it up where it properly belongs – in a peace order hearing.

      I’m just a bit stunned that the GS-13 writer thought that that was a good “sentence”. If sentences were supposed to be rambling, incoherent bits of mumbo-jumbo, then sure, I could see that.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Neal N. Bob says:

        GS-13 editing no longer applies when you’re powered entirely on microwave pizza, gutrot and impotent rage. I’m pretty sure I read that in The New York Times Style Guide.

        Liked by 5 people

  2. BusPassOffice says:

    Snip the red wire, after you snip the blue wire..

    Liked by 2 people

  3. one handle and stick to it says:

    Which explains why Aaron’s coherent arguments appear to Dummy Bill Schmalfeldt as “word salad.” In light of the trainwreck structure of Billy’s sentences (read: THOUGHTS), coherent English like Aaron’s makes. no. sense!

    I’m pretty sure Billy has always been this dumb. The only way he could save face is by claiming that the Parkinson’s has stuck him to the level of stupid he’s at now…

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Jane says:

    The self-titled happy my wife died theMerryWidower claims a high school diploma. If the fat freak’s writing *skills* are representative of the requirements to *achieve* that diploma, one must weep for the state of public education.

    Of course, there’s a strong possibility the loathsome loser was so repulsive even then that educators just wanted to get rid of the grotesque ghoul to protect other students and preserve their own sanity. I mean, can you imagine your job including being in a room with that freakshow for hours every day?

    The coprophilic coward has virtually zero friends or family willing to have any contact with it – – remember those facebook posts trying to shame its late wife’s family into acknowledging its miserable existence? It whined they had ignored it for seven months? And even then, they defended her, and continue to avoid a relationship with demented drunkenstein.

    Repeatedly cuckolded, rejected by its own children, unemployed and unemployable, it even received a demand to stop promoting and collecting donations for a national charity because they didn’t want St. Francis’ scatology obsessed scumbag damaging their brand with the association.

    Banned from virtually every website its ever fouled with its repugnant presence, the fetid FAILure can’t leave us alone – – we’re all it has.

    So, yeah, considering all of that, and at least NINE restraining orders that we know about it seems provbable the repeatedly adjudicated stalker and harasser was simply promoted to get rid of it before it started stalking their toddlers.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. JeffM says:


    Over at the Artisinal Blog, I left a perfectly grammatical and at least marginally comprehensible sentence of considerable length. You can have fun diagraming it (although it may be too easy if you use a recursive approach for the long series of participial phrases).

    Liked by 3 people

  6. BusPassOffice says:

    Didn’t some college have a contest for the worst sentence or paragraph or in bills case the sentagraph?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sort of like the Bulwer Litton, but not for novel openers?

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dianna says:

      That’s usually for academese, a deformed and tormented form of language that purports to communicate with precision and analyze closely and exactly. It really obfuscates, baffles, and stultifies the reader, leaving him or her unsure of the meaning or purpose of what he or she just read.

      We might consider submitting some of BS’s work.

      Train, phone.

      Liked by 1 person

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