Editor’s note: This post is a parody of the post that can be found HERE. A more precious gem of DUMBFUCKery cannot be found at this moment in time. But give it a little bit. I’m sure there will be more!
I am among the
dozen or so dozens of humans who have been sued by William Matthew Schmalfeldt. I have specifically been accused of defamation, false light invasion of privacy and right to publicity, misappropriation of likeness and intentional infliction of emotional distress as well as whatever he felt like flinging at the wall to see if it stuck. Schmalfeldt seems to honestly have believed that he could get upwards a total of ONE MEEELION SIMOLIANS (give or take, who’s counting?) out of my hide to salve his butthurt.
I am not making this up, I swear.
Schmalfeldt alleges that I was one of a group that “did conspire to commit the torts as alleged. By coordinating their activities on the “Hogewash,” “Thinking Man’s Zombie” and “Billy Sez” blogs, they were able to update activities taken against the Plaintiff and the amount of harm they were able to inflict.” While I am NOT given the honor of being defined as one of the “founders” of this horrible conspiracy, and am not the “jewel in the crown” like another of my alleged co-conspirators, I do my best pricking at him as well as documenting his idiocy as he spreads it across the Internet.
Schmalfeldt says that my website “defines Plaintiff as the fevered ravings of lying cry-bully” and that by doing so I “cast(s) the Plaintiff in a false light as he is neither fevered nor raving nor does he lie or cry or ‘bully'” myself. (Did that make sense to you? Yeah, it kind of didn’t to me either when I read it in the complaint. Writing lawsuits in English is not his strong suit, but whatever.)
I’m also alleged to have utilized the “latest tactic” of our “right-wing blogger cabal” – that of filing for a restraining order when Schmalfeldt has initiated personal contact MONTHS after any previous personal contact (ew) and he was then told in no uncertain terms NOT to continue to contact me or any member of my family, and of course he proceeded to do so in SPECTACULAR fashion. And he then, after blustering that he would come to North Carolina and SHOW ME WHAT FOR, didn’t bother to show up and whined instead that I LIED (you see, we always, always lie according to him) to get my order. And the one for my grandson.
But this is Bill Schmalfeldt. So, whatever.
And for all of these allegations of nastiness on my part, not a single scrap of evidence other than my accurately quoting him and giving my opinion of what he says is given. Schmalfeldt makes a bunch of allegations and doesn’t support nary a one of them with evidence.
But this is Schmalfeldt. He doesn’t need evidence.
Oh, and then there’s the whole false light invasion of privacy thing. I’ve written about this before. Extensively. It was immediately apparent that Bill Schmalfeldt had not looked at the Wisconsin law on the subject. Even if I put my hand on a Bible and agreed that every word that he said about the alleged false light invasion of privacy he wouldn’t have even got a single red cent. Why? Because Bill Schmalfeldt thought that he was gonna prevail on something that ISN’T EVEN AGAINST THE LAW WHERE HE SUED ME FROM.
“Wisconsin does not recognize false light invasion of
Ladd v. Uecker, 323 Wis. 2d 798, 780 N.W.2d 216, 221 (Wis. App. 2010)
So, where did Bill Schmalfeldt come up with his demand of $250,000 for just that non-existant tort? God only knows because he apparently pulled it out of his ass. Much like everything in his lawsuits because he only has a case of butthurt but he seems to think that the courts are the appropriate place to expiate his grief over it. And yes, I meant that.
To sum up, Bill Schmalfeldt alleges several counts of intentional infliction of butthurt with no proof or evidence to make it into a real tort. And he alleges one tort that isn’t even a tort where he sued from. But even if I did not contest that (and my lawyer did, quite ably in fact), my alleged causing him butthurt would not have gotten him a single red cent.
But hey, it’s Bill Schmalfeldt’s party. We’ve seen what happens – his LOLSuits get thrown out by judges because he can’t even properly sue people in the correct jurisdictions OR he runs away from his LOLSUITS by gathering his skirts up around his waist as he flees the state after saying he was gonna STAND and FIGHT BACK! RAWR!!! If he had a lick of sense, he’d call the whole thing off and spare himself the embarrassment and crippling countersuit in which ONLY PROPERLY PLEAD TORTS THAT HAVEN’T PASSED THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS OR AREN’T LIMITED/MADE INVALID BY RES JUDICATA would come onto the table…
But this is Bill Schmalfeldt. He doesn’t see things like NORMAL PEOPLE do. ‘Cuz he’s a DUMBFUCK.
Why is it that when DUMBFUCK files a LOLSUIT (that has no chance of surviving a motion to dismiss, mind you), he advises any defendant “with a lick of sense” to lawyer up and prostrate himself at the judge’s feet begging for mercy and to roll over and rat out somebody merely to be left with a dry crust of bread to gnaw on…
But when someone files suit against this same DUMBFUCK (who obviously learned how lawsuits are conducted from Hamilton Burger, the DA who somehow kept his job despite being thoroughly embarrassed by Perry Mason on a weekly basis), why then anyone with that same lick of sense would drop the whole thing and beg for mercy in the face of the massive countersuits and the sure and certain sacrifice of children’s asses to his bursting bladder?