Why Yes! Let’s Discuss Sept. 27th

Editor’s note: This post is a parody of the post that can be found HERE. A more precious gem of DUMBFUCKery cannot be found at this moment in time. But give it a little bit. I’m sure there will be more!

I am among the dozen or so dozens of humans who have been sued by William Matthew Schmalfeldt. I have specifically been accused of defamation, false light invasion of privacy and right to publicity, misappropriation of likeness and intentional infliction of emotional distress as well as whatever he felt like flinging at the wall to see if it stuck. Schmalfeldt seems to honestly have believed that he could get upwards a total of ONE MEEELION SIMOLIANS (give or take, who’s counting?) out of my hide to salve his butthurt.

I am not making this up, I swear.

Schmalfeldt alleges that I was one of a group that “did conspire to commit the torts as alleged. By coordinating their activities on the “Hogewash,” “Thinking Man’s Zombie” and “Billy Sez” blogs, they were able to update activities taken against the Plaintiff and the amount of harm they were able to inflict.” While I am NOT given the honor of being defined as one of the “founders” of this horrible conspiracy, and am not the “jewel in the crown” like another of my alleged co-conspirators, I do my best pricking at him as well as documenting his idiocy as he spreads it across the Internet.

Schmalfeldt says that my website “defines Plaintiff as the fevered ravings of  lying cry-bully” and that by doing so I “cast(s) the Plaintiff in a false light as he is neither fevered nor raving nor does he lie or cry or ‘bully'” myself. (Did that make sense to you? Yeah, it kind of didn’t to me either when I read it in the complaint. Writing lawsuits in English is not his strong suit, but whatever.)

I’m also alleged to have utilized the “latest tactic” of our “right-wing blogger cabal” – that of filing for a restraining order when Schmalfeldt has initiated personal contact MONTHS after any previous personal contact (ew) and he was then told in no uncertain terms NOT to continue to contact me or any member of my family, and of course he proceeded to do so in SPECTACULAR fashion. And he then, after blustering that he would come to North Carolina and SHOW ME WHAT FOR, didn’t bother to show up and whined instead that I LIED (you see, we always, always lie according to him) to get my order. And the one for my grandson.

But this is Bill Schmalfeldt. So, whatever.

And for all of these allegations of nastiness on my part, not a single scrap of evidence other than my accurately quoting him and giving my opinion of what he says is given. Schmalfeldt makes a bunch of allegations and doesn’t support nary a one of them with evidence.

But this is Schmalfeldt. He doesn’t need evidence.

Oh, and then there’s the whole false light invasion of privacy thing. I’ve written about this before. Extensively. It was immediately apparent that Bill Schmalfeldt had not looked at the Wisconsin law on the subject. Even if I put my hand on a Bible and agreed that every word that he said about the alleged false light invasion of privacy he wouldn’t have even got a single red cent. Why? Because Bill Schmalfeldt thought that he was gonna prevail on something that ISN’T EVEN AGAINST THE LAW WHERE HE SUED ME FROM.

“Wisconsin does not recognize false light invasion of

Ladd v. Uecker, 323 Wis. 2d 798, 780 N.W.2d 216, 221 (Wis. App. 2010)

So, where did Bill Schmalfeldt come up with his demand of $250,000 for just that non-existant tort? God only knows because he apparently pulled it out of his ass. Much like everything in his lawsuits because he only has a case of butthurt but he seems to think that the courts are the appropriate place to expiate his grief over it. And yes, I meant that.

To sum up, Bill Schmalfeldt alleges several counts of intentional infliction of butthurt with no proof or evidence to make it into a real tort. And he alleges one tort that isn’t even a tort where he sued from. But even if I did not contest that (and my lawyer did, quite ably in fact), my alleged causing him butthurt would not have gotten him a single red cent.

But hey, it’s Bill Schmalfeldt’s party. We’ve seen what happens – his LOLSuits get thrown out by judges because he can’t even properly sue people in the correct jurisdictions OR he runs away from his LOLSUITS by gathering his skirts up around his waist as he flees the state after saying he was gonna STAND and FIGHT BACK! RAWR!!! If he had a lick of sense, he’d call the whole thing off and spare himself the embarrassment and crippling countersuit in which ONLY PROPERLY PLEAD TORTS THAT HAVEN’T PASSED THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS OR AREN’T LIMITED/MADE INVALID BY RES JUDICATA would come onto the table…

But this is Bill Schmalfeldt. He doesn’t see things like NORMAL PEOPLE do. ‘Cuz he’s a DUMBFUCK.


Final note:

Why is it that when DUMBFUCK files a LOLSUIT (that has no chance of surviving a motion to dismiss, mind you), he advises any defendant “with a lick of sense” to lawyer up and prostrate himself at the judge’s feet begging for mercy and to roll over and rat out somebody merely to be left with a dry crust of bread to gnaw on…

But when someone files suit against this same DUMBFUCK (who obviously learned how lawsuits are conducted from Hamilton Burger, the DA who somehow kept his job despite being thoroughly embarrassed by Perry Mason on a weekly basis), why then anyone with that same lick of sense would drop the whole thing and beg for mercy in the face of the massive countersuits and the sure and certain sacrifice of children’s asses to his bursting bladder?


About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
This entry was posted in Bill, Butthurt, Hypocrisy, Laughing at Losers, Look Deep in the Mirror, PLM, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Why Yes! Let’s Discuss Sept. 27th

  1. BusPassOffice says:

    According to XmFan comments by bill after people started confronting him on his bullshit is when he BECAME A FEDERAL (or Feral) OFFICIAL and INTERFEREING WITH HIM IS A CRIME (uh nope) and HE HAD SPECIAL SUPER SECRET PERMISSION TO SURF THE INTERNETS AND VIOLATE THE HATCH ACT!

    And he was suing for the mockery use of his picture as the knowledge of the Wednesday School of Journalism and Buss Pass Office told him he could. Brett first they were not associated and now are (Brett being the Graduate of the THursday school of Law and Laundry of the Department of Corrections) I would not be surprised to see them start combine suing all of us commentators.

    Oh Bill can suck it, anything he put out there in other forums, like when he’s passed out almost over a glass of scotch, or jumping naked on a bed, or groping some dancing girl on a work trip, and was stupid enough to post it for all the world to see then the world is going to see it.

    Fuck off Bill, you skeezy child porn rape fantasy, unsold author and lousy husband to that poor woman who passed away so sadly. Fucking taking pictures of her robbing her of her dignity at death, good lord…..

    asshole, she deserved better than that and so did her family, and you, you didn’t do yourself an=y honor there

    Liked by 13 people

  2. Can Brett do laundry? Is he tall enough to load the machines without a ladder?

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Techno Jinxx says:

    LOVE how you can be completely truthful AND funny as hell while parodying Stinky’s lame ass attempts at blogging.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Neal N. Bob says:

    “I am among the dozen or so humans who have been sued by William Matthew Schmalfeldt.”

    Actually, it was considerably more than that. I believe that Lulzsuit I had about 15 named and anonymous defendants. Lulzsuit V maxed out at 28. There was some crossover, to be sure (KRENDLEEEERRRRRR), but the total number of people named in Lolcow Billy’s Lovely Lulzsuits is around 30.

    I was one of them, and I was so intimidated that I actually forgot that I was being sued! I’m surprised by that because I have an excellent memory for things that amuse me.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Neal N. Bob says:

      Oh, and there was that time Oliver Wendell Jones lost in court to a toddler. That was so singularly magnificent that he should never be allowed to forget it, I’m thinking of submitting an article about it to the Harvard Law Review, but I think they frown on the usage of phrases like “astoundingly dumb cocksucker.”

      But that begs the question, how else do you properly define someone who insists that he’s never “lost” because he’s too malignantly fucking stupid to sue properly in the first place? “Astoundingly dumb cocksucker.” is the best I can come up with, and I’m a fairly literate cat. If you good people can come up with something more appropriate, have at it. The folks at Harvard are waiting.

      Liked by 4 people

    • Paul Krendler says:

      He’s filed VII LOLSuits now, and thanks to his soopahjeenyus doxing skills he’s only managed to fail to serve me XXII times!

      Liked by 4 people

    • I just *knew* I wrote that sentence wrong. Fixing….

      Liked by 1 person

    • Jane says:

      Sadly, you weren’t included in this one from 2014, but it’s noteworthy anyway because the ‘urinating on children’ aficionado dismissed it after a day. Maybe it read the list of defendants and noticed it sued RSM in a blackout drunken rage. hahaha

      Liked by 3 people

  5. JeffM says:

    First time caller but long time lurker (actually that is a little white lie). Loved this parody.

    May a fan, nevertheless, point out the missed opportunity for even greater parody? Witless moans, groans, whines, and whimpers that people fail to respect his deceased wife. Family is off limits when it’s Willie’s family. Putting together a collage of his statements about respect for his wife and his utter lack of respect for the families of others would be hysterical. If I remember correctly, he recently had some, shall we say odd, attractions toward other peoples’ minor children. What he finds attractive is worthy of mockery. For example, do you remember the picture that he showed of his late wife topless? Photoshopping that into the picture of him pawing another woman’s thigh would be priceless.

    I know that you have so far eschewed anything that might possibly offend his late wife’s family, but their complete failure to get Witless to reciprocate indicates that they deserve no such consideration. For example, I have not noticed any of them expressing any repugnance to Willie’s hopes with respect to the children of others. Either they do not find those desires even slightly offensive, or they demand to be free from offense while indifferent to others being offended. In either case, your sensitivity to their feelings seems misplaced. Nor do their feelings seem to be easily bruised: they seem not to cavil at having her remains displayed on the Internet in a plastic baggie.

    Given where the situation has now evolved, I suggest it is past time for you to invite Howard to write a guest post about Gail. It might not be completely veridical, but I am sure it would be completely hilarious.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Sam says:

    I don’t think it’s fair to target Shmalfeldts family just because they are not actively going after him for his many transgressions. They probably want nothing to do with him and would just as soon not hear from or about him, until the inevitable small paragraph in the local paper (“neighbors were alerted by the smell”).

    It’s smart to do so, he knows where they live and has shown no hesitation to attack his own children as part of his psychosis. They are wise to stay out of it.

    Then again…are you SURE they haven’t weighed in? Maybe under a pseudonym?

    Liked by 4 people

    • onlooker says:

      Sam is wise. I agree with Sam.

      Liked by 1 person

    • JeffM says:

      I was not “going after” Gail’s family. I was not advocating sending them anything or communicating with them directly or indirectly. The family has elected on its own to come here and to TMZ to admonish us PUBLICLY about what hurts their feelings and offends their tender susceptibilities. They have shown nothing in the way of reciprocity: not one of them has done anything publicly to disassociate themselves from Willie’s continued attacks on the families of others. Which of them, including Gail herself, uttered a peep when Witless was going on about a stillborn child to its parents?

      You say that they dare not criticize Willie because he may “attack” them. So what? I am not asking them to do anything. They can cower forever in silent terror for all I care. But I see no reason why any consideration should be given to people who either condone his treatment of others’ families or are too cowardly to call him out publicly.

      I vote for open season on mocking Willie’s “sensitivity” to his family’s honor so long as he feels free to trash the reputations and feelings of the families of others. If his family finds such parodies and hyperbole offensive, they first need to establish their family honor by standing up publicly to the one who drags it in the mud. I didn’t take pictures of his sick wife in her underwear and publish it. Nor did I agree, as Gail apparently did, to be photographed in my underwear by anyone, let alone by someone with little or no impulse control. The resulting photograph is perfectly fair use for parody. The “family” seem to object to the parody but not to the act itself.

      Liked by 5 people

      • lorddewclaw says:

        A-FRIKKEN-MEN, Jeff…

        Liked by 2 people

      • Pablo says:

        I beg to differ. Gail’s brother was perfectly polite and reasonable here and really didn’t seem to give a damn about Blob’s issues. IIRC, the whining nags at TMZ were Blob’s relatives. They can kiss my ass.

        Liked by 3 people

        • JeffM says:

          I remember her brother. He was indeed polite. I did not say he was not. He is perfectly within his rights to ignore Witless. So he asks for something, but gives nothing in return. That is not reciprocal, and so his request deserves in my opinion no great consideration though I have honored it for over a year.

          It might offend the brother to see that photo taken by Witless used in a parody. I agree. But the brother will only be offended if he searches the parody out. I am not saying that his privacy should be intruded upon in any way, shape, or form. I did not say that anyone should go after Gail’s family. And the only reason the brother would have to find the parody is because Willie asked him to do so (just as Willie asked him to come here in the first place).

          I would have a far different view if the family, who understandably want to keep Gail’s memory pristine, showed any interest in keeping the memories or reputation of anyone else in the world pristine. But, as you yourself pointed out, Gail’s family seems to show no interest in anyone but themselves. As far as I know, none of them showed up to protest about Willie going after BPO’s family. So I see no reason to defer to people of that sort.

          (Willie of course might say that, for example, his recent little billet doux to Jane was parody, a harmless hyperbolic joke exaggerating Jane’s posts. That is a plausible argument so photoshopping a photo of Gail that he took and published into a photo of him that he also published is likewise just a harmless joke, a parody, nothing for anyone to get excited or offended by. Gee, that is one of the smartest arguments Witless has ever not yet made.)

          But I fully agree with you about the “looser” (sic) relatives at TMZ (except I want none of them to have any intimate contact with me, on my ass or anywhere else).


        • Dr_Mike says:

          I just pointed them back about two posts, to where Bill was telling anyone who addressed him, “send me an email” with the (a) explicit offer that he’d send a picture of Gail’s corpse, which hadn’t cooled off yet, and (b) the implicit, and I believe true, offer, that he just wanted an email address to start picking at to get somebody.

          I’m pretty sure (despite the minimal quotes in the complaint) that this is what got me a visitor’s pass to LOLsuit VI, version 1 as a John Doe. “Oh, you want to see us talking about your sister. Well, go _here_ and her husband Bill is offering us pictures of her corpse. Not that anyone asked for them (nobody did ask, the offer was unsolicited.)” Yeah, if you think that’s a slim reason to end up in a LOLsuit, talk to Grady. No, not Krendler, the real Grady.


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