“Lessons My Father Taught Me” aka Billy’s Dad Sez, Part 2

The second post in a continuing series of life lessons Bill Schmalfeldt has apparently ingrained within his skull from his father. All for our PLM.

  1. Telling somebody that it will be THEIR fault if someone ELSE gets hurt because they don’t tell you what you want to know is the absolute most effective way to get information. Works every time!
  2. Satisfy every impulse IMMEDIATELY!! Some things just can’t wait. Like buying out of pocket a $2,000+ Scooty Puff (it’s Red! Vroom, VROOM!) because you want it NAO, not because it’s medically necessary where your awesome insurance will pay for it.
  3. Clock urns are not the boss of you.
  4. The proper venue to pursue civil and criminal cases is on teh Twitterz. You will ALWAYS win if you follow this strategory.
  5. Likewise, when consulting with one’s attorney on critical legal issues, all communications with them should be out in the open. Like on the Internet.
  6. Thirdly, when consulting with one’s attorney on critical legal issues, make sure to scrub the Internet of EVERYTHING you can think of that might make you look bad – like your recent posts about your knowing and deliberate spoliation of potential evidence – and instead post insipid “family” things (featuring family members who have publicly told you not to contact them on social media) designed to attempt to rehabilitate your image.
  7. Your high school diploma makes you TONS better at practicing law than a Yale trained lawyer with more than a decade of experience, as well as proves that you’re smarter than a NASA quantum mechanic.
  8. Describing anal rape is da bomb! Everybody loves it! So, too, is insisting that those who don’t “get” your “satire” are just uptight prissy-pants who don’t understand the SUFFERING you have gone through for the progressive cause.
  9. Sexism is disgraceful. To show respect to women, call then tw*ts, c*nts and whores.
  10. ALWAYS WRITE IN ALL CAPS WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY AND EVEN WHEN YOU’RE NOT. BECAUSE IT’S JUST AWESOME!!!11!11!!!
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About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
This entry was posted in Bill, Butthurt, FAIL Raaaage!, Hypocrisy, Laughing at Losers, Look Deep in the Mirror, PLM. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to “Lessons My Father Taught Me” aka Billy’s Dad Sez, Part 2

  1. Number one! That gets recycled every few months.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Neal N. Bob says:

    How to recognize other child-rape survivors. It took Bill only three fingers to learn on account of his being “smart.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. gmhowell says:

    Supplement to #3: neither are clouds.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Minemyown says:

    Came across a new term today “the Scootered Dead”.

    Liked by 6 people

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