The Crux of the Biscuit?

Judge: And, when did all of this start with Mr. Schmalfeldt?

Petitioner: It’s been two years.

Judge: All right, thank you. I may come back to you with more questions. All right, Mr. Schmalfeldt, I’ll hear from you now.

Defendant: Good morning your Honor. Ah, If I could ask a procedural question quickly? Ah, at any point in this hearing will I be able to ask Mrs. Palmer some questions under oath?

Judge: Yes, but right now, I just want to hear your side of this.

Defendant: Yes, ma’am. Ah, first may I approach and offer into evidence something?

Judge: No. You can hand it to the bailiff, he will take it. Do you have a copy for Ms. Palmer?

Defendant: I have a copy for the petitioner as well.

Judge: Okay.

Defendant: This is a..

Judge: Excuse me, excuse me. Before I hear anymore testimony, she has the right to read this information.

Defendant: Please do.

Petitioner: I know exactly what it is.

Judge: Do you need time to read it?

Petitioner: No.

Judge: Okay.

Petitioner: I know exactly what it is.

Defendant: Ah your honor, that is the excerpts of ah, 234 pages of excerpts of a blog Mrs. Palmer has been maintaining about me, ah, since May of 2015. There’s almost daily, ah, blog entries, in which she claims to quote things I say and take them out of context. And some of these things that she writes are downright profane. Now, to get to the crux of the biscuit, as they say, ah, I’m in the early stages of persuing a prosecution for a lawsuit in the us district court for the district of South Carolina, in which Mrs. Palmer is one of the defendants. As a result I find it necessary to look at her blog, to gather evidence, because one of the charges, one of the allegations I should say, is defamation, and, ah, rah, reckless misconduct and, reckless conduct and wanton misconduct. Now, she posted the blog, and I’ll ask her if she remembers this, ah, on July 4th, and last paragraph is what started this chain of events. Ah, she’s basically telling me I should go ahead and prosecute her. But I have to find out the hard way. And you know what I’m talking about here. “Go on Mr. Schmalfeldt. Schmalfeldt away. I’ll be over here on my porch, watching the grass grow, waiting for that summons to arrive. Hope it doesn’t take too long. Don’t wanna fill up on too much popcorn.” Posted under the tag lines Bill, Laughing at Loser, and PLM which stands for Pointing, Laughing and Mockery. Now that paragraph struck me as being overly smug by half. And it made me wonder if I had sent a summons to her correct address. So, I began researching to make sure that the clerk of courts in the federal courts in Florence South Carolina had the correct address, and I determined that I did NOT have the correct address. And I learned that she had apparently moved from Rockingham county to Guilford County in, Decem… I’m sorry, either September or October of 2015. Now, since she had filed

Judge: Ok, let me just interrupt you right here. What we are here about today is her petition for a no-contact order regarding her allegations that you have on numerous occasions and in numerous ways contacted her for the purposes of harassing her. And I’m not interested in this federal lawsuit that you are taking about. I want you to answer or refute her allegations that you have contacted her on more than one occasion since on or about July the 4th.

Defendant: Ahh, I certainly have, because I’m trying to find out what her correct address was and whether or not her restraining order in Rockingham County was proper if she lived in Guilford County.

Judge: Okay.

Defendant: And, actually, all she would have had to do is, is reply yes or no and I would have moved on. Now, again, I don’t want to get back into all that, but, ahhh, I wondered about the legalities of, you know, living in one county, claiming to live in another, so I tried Twitter first. And these are the tweets I sent. Sarah, I know you moved from Greensboro… Reidsville to Greensboro, I know, oh, you said you read these already. I’m sorry.

Judge: Yes, I have.


About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
This entry was posted in Bill, BOOM, No-Contact Order. Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to The Crux of the Biscuit?

  1. I know “crux of the matter”, but where the hell did he get a “biscuit” from, never mind it having a crux. Was he thinking of his breakfast?

    Liked by 5 people

    • DeplorableRican says:

      Humm sounds like he is talking about the bridge on a resonator cigar box guitar

      Liked by 2 people

    • onlooker says:

      I was told that he used to feed his dog Gaine’s biscuits. Discussing apostrophes in a separate interview, he said it’s a funny little thing, that denotes ownership.
      So the ownership of the biscuit is designated by the apostrophe.

      I think it very likely this story ends will Bill being owned.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Grace says:

      “I know “crux of the matter”, but where the hell did he get a “biscuit” from, never mind it having a crux.”

      I’d wager he was attempting to ingratiate himself to a “southern” judge. One can always count on the Deranged (and, ADJUDICATED) Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt to reach into his smarmy bag of tricks (i.e., racist, misogynistic, political, religious, blah, blah, blah stereotypes and whatnot).

      I’ll take, “What Didn’t Work for The Blob for $1000, Alex.” 😜


      Liked by 2 people

    • onlooker says:

      Oh, it’s a Frank Zappa reference. He fancies himself anti-establishment – using the phrase is one of those pretensions he has like wearing a colander on his head.

      Liked by 5 people

  2. Neal N. Bob says:

    The crux of the biscuit is that my lulcow is even fucking crazier than I thought.

    Okay, that’s not fair. I guess I should consider the possibility that he was drunk in court before I go jumping to conclusions.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. bystander says:

    Am I the only one who reads that long statement by Bill and keeps seeing the word “strawberries” pop up intermittently?

    Liked by 5 people

  4. onlooker says:

    So he screws up service because he so fricking inept/crazy he can’t check and make sure he’s doing it right.
    Then he harangues you for information you aren’t obligated to give, and which he himself has no use for in anything related to his lawsuit, and which has no legal affect at all IN ANY CASE, whether you were to answer yes or no.

    And he hargangues you and pesters others. He contacts a prosecutors office, I presume to inform them of possible CRAHMS when he has no basis to accuse you of a crime, and which is seriously creepy (an RO recipient trying to track the movements of his victim), when even if you had resided elsewhere in NC, which you didn’t, made no difference as to whether the RO was in force or legally obtained.

    I’m pretty sure he’s aware of issues about his residency and related paperwork. His manner of living is unsettled in the extreme. I believe is where the landlord won’t rent to me stuff came from ( although if I were a landlord he likely wouldn’t be my first pick of tenant) I doubt he’s made much of a search, let alone diligently pursued a tenancy beyond a week-to week bedbug Inn – I don’t think he actually has any plan for long term residency in SC, I don’t think he wants to nail that down, he only wants to pretend to nail it down. If he does sign a lease, my magic 8 ball predicts early decampment.

    – he is desperate to have a some kind of tu quoque point to make and is afraid of being busted on some double dealing. That’s my speculation, but it would explain a lot.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. onlooker says:

    * I believe he wants to excuse his preferred transient state of existence by pretending others have place obstacles in his path (when the obstacles are all self-inflicted or directly chosen)

    Liked by 5 people

  6. WWFD says:

    Im really starting to hate this defendant, He seems to be stalking the heroine. He seem obsessed with knowing where she lives and when she moved. I hope at the end of this story he gets his comeuppance he richly deserves.

    Liked by 10 people

  7. JeffM says:

    Goodness you people are hard. The poor thing misspoke. It probably meant to say “the curse of the Lickspittles.” Easy to mix up “crux” and “curse” with all those c, r, u, and s sounds, especially if you are a little slow in the thought department.

    Or it may have meant to say “the rest of the whiskey.”

    And anyway, what’s wrong with an innovative turn of phrase like “crux of the biscuit.”

    What you dont understand what it means? Well YOU were never a GS-13 writer-editor.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I like how he admitted to the unlawful contact. Crux of the biscuit. Gotta love it.

    Liked by 6 people

  9. onlooker says:

    “I would have moved on.”

    Yeah, no.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Manipulative children latch onto any item they can…to flip the situation on an adult. For Bill, this thing about Sarah moving…as well as the blog were the things. AH HA! She lied about her address while I constantly contacted her without permission, and didn’t stop until a court made me stop…and then started up again after the court order expired. In that frame of mind, the change of address or the blog…they are the big deals. Not the stalking. Not the phone calls.
    He actually argued that Sarah had not (recently) made it clear that she did NOT WANT CONTACT.

    Liked by 8 people

  11. Russ says:

    I’m fairly sure I’m going to have to change my gamer tag to “CruxoDaBiscuit.”

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Neal N. Bob says:

    Hey, look! New buckets of stupid from the lulcow,

    1. Didn’t a DUMBFUCK serve Ash at the Reidsville address he’s currently obsessed with in his LAST Lulzsuit/ Wasn’t that after November of 2015?

    No legal purpose. Get fucked, fatboy.

    2. The judge didn’t appear to be a Zappa fan, either.

    3. I’m not sure that Blogspot is a place to pursue a judicial appeal.

    4. . It’s not abuse of process in South Carolina, stupid.

    5. . A federal court is going to entertain this for 30 seconds.

    Liked by 6 people

    • DeplorableRican says:

      He is so impressively clueless

      Liked by 2 people

    • w says:

      He’s a 8-hour bus ride from you, oh Zombie Mistress?

      That’s way too close and for your safety you should move asap. No forwarding address. Bill can deal, exclusively, with your lawyer.

      I went to the archive link that Neal N. Bob provided and I’m genuinely horrified at what Schmalfeldt has written. It’s MORE than, ‘that boy ain’t right’- His behavior is getting worse. When his spring finally breaks I believe Bill will lash out. And you’re way too close.


      • Dr_Mike says:

        Back in late March to early April, he drove 1100 miles from Linton to Myrtle Beach. Then back to Clinton. Then back to Myrtle Beach. Two day trips, each time. 3300 miles, by himself. You know, before he sold the hoopty and became “poor me I can’t drive because disease” Bill again.

        He’s 150 miles away. He was telling the judge “I can’t leave Milwaukee!! LIFE ALERT!!!” before he rented a car and drove to Chicago last fall.

        Oh, and did I mention he lies?

        Liked by 2 people

  13. Kyle Kiernan says:

    Oh, so DF isn’t a lousy writer with tin ear for trying to create figures of speech, he’s just cheapjack plagiarist?
    That’s way better and not completely lame at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Pingback: You really want to do this? | Sonoran Conservative

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