I Just Can’t Even

*EDITOR’S NOTE – The management of this establishment cannot be held responsible for any injuries that may occur during the reading of this post. Please take precautionary measures, stretch your LULZ muscles, wear protective headgear in case of loss of balance, etc., etc. Please, for the LOVE OF GOD, practice safe blog reading!*

Remember when I said that everything concerning Bill Schmalfeldt and his legal maneuverings was going to be ever so exciting?

Yeah. It’s a-happening. And by GOD ALMIGHTY, is it ever so glorious. GLORIOUS!

So, tomorrow? There’s a Show Cause hearing. That Bill has to appear at in person? And now he’s saying he won’t. Because apparently the dad gone dirty judge is DISCRIMINATING AGAINST BILL’S DISABLED ASS!

I KNOW, RIGHT??!???!!?

Okay, pick yourself off the floor.

Apparently on June 9, Bill sent a “DEAR MOMMY” letter to the judge (and didn’t copy big ol’ meanie pants WJJ Hoge), containing a motion to either cancel this big, awful, utterly monstrous hearing or to let him appear at it via Skype. You know. The method of attending a hearing that Bill Schmalfeldt willfully and wantonly abused. Which is the reason for the Show Cause hearing. Mmmkay.

Bill claims that to FORCE HIM TO ATTEND is going to be a violation of his rights under Title II of the Americans with Disabilities Acts. So he’s gonna give the judge until COB today to say “Yeah, Bill, you are right. I shouldn’t have decided to take you to task for abusing a privilege. You don’t really have to attend tomorrow.”

Now, let’s look at Title II. Title II deals with state and federal government entities. It says that these government entities have to provide fair access to people with disabilities. That the entities have to make it easier on people to get into their buildings, that programs be available to all people regardless of disabilities, and that if someone has a communication disability, that they make reasonable accommodations so that that person can participate in a program, and to not charge a disabled person extra for the special accommodations that need to be made so that they can participate.

It’s a reasonable list of expectations. If I was wheelchair bound, I am glad to know that I am afforded a ramp so that my wheelchair can get me into a courthouse, or a library. If I am deaf, I am glad to know that if I needed to participate in the city council meeting that I would be able to request an interpreter so that I could speak before my elected officials and be heard like everyone else. If I am blind, I am glad to know that I am provided braille markings so that I can get directions just like seeing folk to make my way around public buildings.

The deal is that when you look at the entities programs as a whole, can you see, transparently, that people from all ranges of ability are able to access it and take advantage of it.

But here’s what I, as a disabled person, am NOT granted. I am not granted leave to disregard lawful orders just because my butt hurts.

No, seriously. This is what Bill Schmalfeldt is ACTUALLY CLAIMING. He’s claiming butthurt. Against the Maryland Court.

Considering this is a man who drove from Iowa to Myrtle Beach, SC, back to Iowa and then back to Myrtle Beach, SC in the space of one month, each trip (which is twice the distance of the trip from Myrtle Beach, SC to Westminster, MD) taking a day-ish… Call me jaded, but I think his butt can handle it just fine. Amtrak is pretty darned comfy. I wouldn’t take a bus personally, but that’s a preference. Bill could have rented a car if he had kept his license. Or he could have phoned a friend to get a ride.

Once Bill was there in Westminster, I am CERTAIN he would be able to avail himself of the ADA-compliant courthouse that he has been summoned to appear within. In fact, he has made trips there previous with no problem whatsoever. I he could make it through the doors then, he can make it through the doors now. I doubt the courthouse has all of a sudden thrown up barriers to Bill to be able to access its hallowed halls.

But here’s the real point.

This is a lawful order of the court. Made because Bill thumbed his nose at the rules of the court. It doesn’t matter that Bill thinks that WJJ Hoge doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What matters is that the COURT agreed that what WJJH alleged occurred (Bill’s posting a video recording of himself during that hearing on YouTube) crossed the standard of potentially breaking the rules. The point of this hearing is to determine:

  1. If the allegations are true
  2. If Bill has mitigating circumstances if the allegations are true, AND
  3. What, if anything, the court should do about it as a result.

And the judge decided that Bill had to appear in person for that. Because yes, it is kind of a bit more serious thing than just not giving someone all of the discovery that they requested. Because it is an affront to the COURT ITSELF, not the parties participating in it. The court has to pay attention and find out for itself if the issue is true or not true and deal with it appropriately.

Oh, and if you actually listen to the podcast, Bill has issued a doomclock of sorts to the judge.

No, really. I’m serious. If the judge hasn’t rescinded his order by COB today, if he issues a bench warrant against Bill for not showing (because Bill is all about thumbing his nose at the judiciary at this point in time), Bill is going to…

Brace yourselves!


This is not only glorious enough to eclipse the sun, it is quite possibly the pinnacle of dumbfuckery. It is the act of dumbfuckery to end all dumbfuckery. The top of Mount ASSHAT!

And so we laugh, and laugh and laugh and laugh. And point. And then laugh some more once we’ve picked ourselves up off the floor.

Nope. Like my good zombie compatriot Paul Krendler, and my fellow horde member MJ, I laugh not because Bill Schmalfeldt is trying to “defend” himself. I laugh because he’s just so damn stupid. And yet still thinks he’s the smartest person in the room. My God.

I may not like Bill Schmalfeldt at all as a person. But I have enough milk of human kindness for him left in me to leave him with this note.

Staaaaahp. Staaahp nao.



About The Dread Pirate Zombie

Member of the Zombie Horde and Lickspittle Minion. Out to eat your brainnnsssss. And a few other sweetbreads because they are so nomm-y. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
This entry was posted in Bill, Butthurt, Laughing at Losers, PLM. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to I Just Can’t Even

  1. Gus Bailey says:

    Liked by 8 people

  2. Pingback: Uh…NOPE – The Thinking Man's Zombie

  3. The top of Mount Asshat. The location of the Fortress of Doomclock. That’s the hideout of TeamKimberin.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. John “Minemyown” Doe says:

    Trying to one up “legal schnauzer roger shuler” is not a gaol in life I would recommend to anyone including bill.

    Liked by 6 people

  5. Pingback: So this happened… – Sonoran Conservative

  6. MJ says:

    Dying here again… owww.. owwww..

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Russ says:

    “A 14-hour bus or train ride would be incredibly painful.”

    Well, whattya know, Billy did get one thing right: it’s totally not credible.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. BadgerBob says:

    Wait, wait, wait … a sue the judge doom clock? He should read Rule 41 – venue when suing a government official acting in their official capacities or under color of office or legal authority resides with the defendant. The defendant would be the judge and the state of Maryland in his scenario.

    Bill, a lawsuit against Judge Hecker means you have to travel to his circuit and to Maryland. You can’t sue him in South Carolina.

    Liked by 8 people

  9. Kyle Kiernan says:

    “…a disabled person defending his rights…”
    DF really can pack the lies in tight can’t he?
    He is not a disabled person. He’s a big faker.
    He is not defending his rights. He’s trying to loophole his way out of the jam he got himself into.
    Folks laughing is actually true, cuz it’s the most hilarious thinge evah!

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Jeanette Victoria says:

    Liked by 4 people

  11. WWFD says:

    OMG , The Lulz really did hurt. I laughed so hard I may of cracked a rib. I really need to stretch more or maybe only read the article in small portions and work my self into the full Lulz. My Hubris thinking i could read this, Paul’s, and MJs articles all at once were my downfall.

    This is going be epic tomorrow. Im so glad Im on vacation from work. I don’t know how I would explain why I can’t stop laughing or how to explain DF to anyone hearing me laugh.

    I hope DF does not show up tomorrow and does ending up suing the judge. If he does i may need to go out on “disability” because no amount of lulz stretching will be able to save me.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. I’m having a really big deja vu. No, really. Some details are different. Maryland trailer park rather than South Carolina hotel. Reluctant to travel because of disabilities which were only slightly “there” a week earlier. Poor comprehension of straightforward legal terminology. Self-righteous preening. Dozens, or even hundreds of people saying “…this has got to be the stupidest…”

    My God. We are in season 5 of a cable/Netflix/Amazon Prime TV show!

    Liked by 7 people

  13. John “Minemyown” Doe says:

    I listened to part of his pod-cast from Monday, I now understand why he can not keep a job in radio. Not only is he a terrible host/talking head but his producing makes his hosting/talking head look good by comparison.

    Liked by 5 people

  14. Pablo says:

    Re: the last GIF (and quite possibly DUMBFUCK’s quandry in general,) as Ron White noted “It’s not that the wind is blowing, it’s what the wind is blowing.

    Liked by 4 people

  15. Pingback: Lester Klemper Second-Class JAG Off. | Dave Alexander & Company with David Edgren and Gus Bailey – The Artisan Craft Blog

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