Oh Yes. Jourminalism!

It seems that Bill Schmalfeldt is schmoozing with his local reporter, bragging on his “connections” yet again.

It’s a good thing he put “journalist” in quotes. You see, said “journalist” is convicted bomber Brett Kimberlin. You know. The Speedway Bomber. Kept an entire town in terror for a week wondering when the next bomb would detonate. Someone with personal knowledge of how to blow off a veteran’s leg without even trying. He’s not someone who is a journalist by any stretch of the imagination. And I say this as a former published journalist.

I don’t know that I would advertise my very close, personal connections with a convicted domestic terrorist if I was a public figure. Then again, this is Bill Schmalfeldt, and any excuse he has to make himself look bigger and more important than he is he takes. But all he does, to those of us who know who really hides behind that “jovial” exterior, is remind us of how loathsome he is.

By the way. Where is Onyx? And Monty? The list of missing animals grows.

Is It Time to Declare Victory?

In the four years since I began paying serious attention to Demented Freak Bill Schmalfeldt, several facts (perhaps I should call them “informed conclusions based on information he has published” just to avoid the whiff of

DEFAMATION!
LIBLE PER SE!
CONTENTIONAL REFRACTION OF PROMOTIONAL INCEST! (or something)
JOHNNIE WALKER RED WITH A MAYONNAISE JAR CHASER!
RESIST! BUTT STUFF! INFLATAGAL!!

Where was I?

Oh yeah…stuff we know about Bill Schmalfeldt.

1. He’s a liar. He’ll lie about anything. He lied to the police about how he injured his head the night he forced his wife to open a package of horse poop that someone sent him. He lied about who sent him the horse poop, accusing approximately half a dozen people of authoring that exquisite prank. He lied about the Postal Inspectors being on the case. That’s been a frequent refrain: that the cops are coming down on *whoever*.
2. He’s not very smart. After his cut-rate blind date banged-her-on-the-first-date Ashtray Soulmate died while he was furiously checking his email, he said the life insurance benefit from her policy would fund his retirement for many years, if he was wise about it. Two Scootypuffs (Vroom! VROOM!!), a wheelchair, three relocations, one or more automobiles he is unsafe to operate and several bus trips later, those funds are used up. Now he’s forced to leave his cozy beachside disability retirement for near-minimum wage work in microscopic midwestern radio markets, provided his potential employers don’t check his background and run like hell the opposite way.
3. He is a DYNAMITE legal theorist. By which I mean, every attempt to mount a legal case against anyone blows up in his goddamn face.
4. He loves animals. He just doesn’t like them enough to keep them around very long. As near as anyone can tell, Raven, Shiloh, Jake, Boris and Onyx turned into Really Useful Sweet-n-Sour Chicken if they were lucky. If they were unlucky, they could be rotting at the bottom of a river in sacks of gravel.  There’s a new one named Monty, but since Schmalfeldt has gone quiet in the last week, it’s a fair wager that little fella has also met a bad end.
5. He’s got a disease of some kind, but it sure ain’t Parkinson’s. So maybe a doctor diagnosed him with it twenty years ago…how many doctors did he shop to find one who would? So maybe he schmoozed his way into a clinical study…who can say he wasn’t in the control group? The study administrators detached him from that study with a “hold harmless” agreement, if I recall correctly. To best of anyone’s knowledge, his Deep Brain Stimulation implant batteries have exceeded their useful life, and there’s no evidence that he’s ever had them replaced or even been examined by a neurologist since escaping Maryland on a tidal wave of fear pee back in 2015. He says he quit driving in 2009 because he couldn’t trust his reflexes and degrading physical condition resulting from his diagnosis with a “progressive neurological disorder” that never, ever, ever gets better (unless it’s convenient, of course). He wrangles an agreement to work (i.e. surf the internet on company time) from home, and later is granted a disability retirement which he had to “convince” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) his superiors to give him a shit performance review to secure. He spent the next five years waxing chairs with his ass until the wife died, then suddenly discovered he wasn’t sick so much as fucking lazy, and he could in fact do things if no one else magically appeared to take the burden off his tremor-free hands.

I can go further, but that is not my point.

We know a lot about Bill Schmalfeldt.  We know what we know for one simple reason.

He has told us. Everything we know came from him.  Every conclusion that we draw is based on information he provided.

But he’s gone dark again.  After allegedly getting hired by a station in Denison, Iowa, then getting himself unhired just as quickly after engaging potential listeners in Twitter flame wars, he appears, at long, long last to have actually LEARNED something…

How to shut the fuck up and actually operate in stealth mode.

Run Silent, Run DERP.

Usually he can’t go a week between dropping on Twitter account and firing up a new one.  We know he said he purchased a month’s worth of BlogTalkRadio service, but he quit two weeks in. He hasn’t updated his blog.

Is he gone? Has he finally figured out that I was 100% serious when I told him he had to vanish for two weeks before I would stop paying attention? Has he finally realized that when I rescinded that open offer and determined that I would never turn away from an opportunity for Pointage, Laughery and Mockification at his expense that I was not then, and am not now FUCKING AROUND?

Is he gone? He who never starts a fight (except when he does) but always finishes one (flat on his back and spitting out his own teeth)?

Is he gone? Do we dare believe it? The party is planned, the funds amassed, the menu finalized.  All we have to do is set the date, reserve the venue and make our travel plans.

Dare we dream so bigly?

Or will he just pop up again to crush our hopes once more?

The Schmycle Continues

I’ve been playing catchup reading a bunch of the blogs of TFS and finding out what our boy Bill Schmalfeldt has been up to. It’s hard when you are creating a successful REBRANDING of yourself and how you bring home the Benjamins. Doesn’t leave much time for pointing, mocking and laughing, but a girl has got to let her brain decompress sometimes.

Obviously Bill is marching down his “I’m gonna sue YOU and YOU and I HAVE FIGURED THIS LOLSUIT FILING CRAP OUT and you are going to go DOWN!” road and we shall see what we shall see as the fallout from that. No matter what, lulz will be harvested and the proper exercises must be undertaken to avoid the cry of “MEDIC!”

Two posts that have stood out to me recently have come from Krendler HERE (a parody post of what Bill Schmalfeldt posted HERE) and from John Hoge HERE. Between these posts, there is something that can be gleaned. Something that proves, yet again, that the Schmycle of Fail is still alive and well.

Bill is posturing, and saying that he has FINALLY figured out what he needs to do to properly file a lawsuit against those who have committed butthurt against him. That he KNOWS WHERE HE HAS TO FILE! Finally!

While this sends me into giggles because it’s gonna be funny no matter where he files, there’s something Bill has forgotten.

That 2014 lawsuit? The one that started us down the path of lolsuits full of fail? It’s chock full of goodies that Bill Schmalfeldt has failed to learn from that are even farther reaching than mere jurisdiction and filing in the correct court.

Sandwiched in between the frequent refrains of “Hoge is only doing this to make sure that I end up dead or even more disabled than my current worstest of the worst stage Parkinsons!” there is this little gem in the section where he is detailing the butthurt Stacy McCain has done him:

Bill Schmalfeldt has claimed since at least 2014 that he has been unemployable because employers do a Google search before hiring. Back then he was blaming someone else for it. But now someone else is responsible?

That’s gonna be a stone cold bitch for him to overcome in a new lolsuit. Here’s to watching Bill try!

Keep up with your stretching routines everone. This blog doesn’t pay for physical therapy after strained muscles.

He Really, Really, REALLY Doesn’t Understand

Bill Schmalfeldt is your special kind of stupid. If you are reading here, you more than likely already knew that. You’re just tuning in for the popcorn as you watch Sideshow Blob go around and around in his circles yet one more time.

But Bill? He doesn’t realize that he’s stupid. I hope. Because that’s the only explanation that I can think of to excuse how frequently he does the same thing over and over again and thinks that he is doing something new and novel. And that it’s something that is going to allow him to GET SOMEONE this time.

So what has Bill Schmalfeldt done this time? Well, grab your popcorn bag and join me after the jump for FUN.

Same Old Song. Same Old Dance.

My lord, doesn’t he get so damn TIRED of saying the same things? The same threats of ominous DOOOOOOM that he will rain from the heavens unless you apologize/retract/follow him/DM him/crawl on your belly and beg for forgiveness.

Nope. Not our Bill Schmalfeldt.

Where is Onyx, Bill?

Bill Schmalfeldt has a nasty, nasty habit of abandoning pets whenever he makes his moves. The dogs Shiloh and Raven in Maryland were left with his son when he fled to Wisconsin. Then there was poor Boris and Jake, the dog/cat combo that were left behind when he moved to South Carolina.

And now we have this.

Where is Onyx, Bill? This picture is neither cute nor humanizing when one takes in the totality of Bill Schmalfeldt’s habit of abandoning his animals for his convenience.

Where.

Is.

Onyx?

UPDATE 4:43 p.m. EST

Well, well, well. Someone made a change.

Sucks when people ask uncomfortable questions, isn’t it?

Where.

Is.

Onyx?

 

The World’s Most Predictable Rerun

Oh lookie there! It’s the return of BAD ASS BILLY!

Ooooh! Choose wisely he sez. Or test him he sez.

Crimeney, can this dude get a new schtick? No, this is Bill Schmalfeldt after all.

You Keep Using That Word

The words for the day are: DREAD and DISCOMFORT.

Oh How Things Change While Staying the Same

Have you ever noticed that the more florid and fanciful his wording, the more Bill Schmalfeldt is exaggerating? It’s something that happens over and over and over again.

Take for example this lovely run-on sentence from May of last year.

If you so choose, you can read the entirety of this legal filing HERE.

But back to the subject at hand. In this legal document, Bill Schmalfeldt says he is wanting to “spend the rest of his days enjoying his retirement, the new love in his life, his new location on the beach”.

Since Bill has supposedly found a new job, I don’t know how this can be termed as “enjoying his retirement.”

As to enjoying the new love in his life, I have to ask WTF happened to poor Onyx. Because I just might lose my shit if he dumped her like he dumped the other cat and dog he abandoned to go be with the “new love in his life.”

As to his new location on the beach, I somehow don’t think that the desert sands of New Mexico quite qualify.

In the end, it doesn’t matter that Bill Schmalfeldt said one thing and then later did another thing. But it’s a pattern. And it’s the pattern that matters

Updating the Slate

Since the last LolSuit went up in the anticipated burst of flames, I figured it was time to make changes to the scoreboard over on the right. Got to keep a correct count!

As an aside, there has been an upside to being sued so many times so frivolously. Not only do I have a deeper understanding of the law, but I have also been able to supply counsel and comfort to others being threatened with a defamation lawsuit designed to shut people up about discussing someone’s nefarious deeds – by a totally different person and in a totally different situation, mind you.

It is not, and never has been defamatory to tell someone else the truth of a situation. It is not, and never has been defamatory to quote someone accurately. It is not, and never has been defamatory to comment on someone’s accurate quote.  It is not, and never has been defamatory to point at, laugh at, or openly mock someone when they continue to step on their own nutsack in public. With cleats.

While of course no one wants or enjoys being sued, the fact of the matter is when you are sued by an inept fool, you get the result that is documented over in the sidebar. Thank goodness.